And now for something completely different

These are some oddly
shaped dicks. Sill, eat them

I would like to apologise for taking more than a month off writing my blog - I had assignments coming out of my ears and, exams and, and, yeah that's pretty much it. I know how much you guys love reading random funny shit and looking at same pictures. However, nobody mentioned that I hadn't written anything, so you can all go and eat a bag of dicks.

Nah I'm kidding, some people did mention it so they don't have to eat a bag of dicks. As for the rest of you, bring plates.

I did some really cool shit in the time I didn't blog. Like, this one time, at uni, I played bike polo. It was awesome.

Bike polo. Bike riding is good for lots of things, like: allowing you to eat ice cream every day, have no time for girls, enjoy a second breakfast, have huge strong legs and tiny arms, most importantly however, epic tans. But cycling isn't just long kilometres on the road with traffic and stuff traffic related, like stop signs. It can also be completely crazy batshit fun! Like using a mallet to hit a ball into a goal on a basketball court while sitting on your bike (I say sitting because you really aren't ridding it)!

There were these punks trying to use the court (without booking it - aaaaahahahahaha, todoloo muthafuckas) that asked us what we were going to do. Someone said bike polo, and then one punk replied, like riding your bike instead of a horse? I get it. I said, nah man, we're riding the mallets and hitting horses with a ball. Then I stared him down until he walked off. Fucking alpha...

These picture jokes aren't as funny without
context.

I found out the Sydney Bike Polo dudes (I dunno if they are a club or organisation or corporate conglomerate or a bunch) play every Sunday afternoon at Alexandria Park. I'm planning on hitting that shit up when I really am free to do whatever I want. Which is now!

One magic Friday I had completed another fantastic Fatbuster, gone home, eaten breakfast, and rode to uni to hand in some assignment. I had tried to hand it in the day before, but the Science Centre had closed three hours early! The problem actually being that I needed to print the assignment and cover sheet and couldn't. I rode my commuter bike to the intersection of Epping road and Herring road... Waiting for the lights to change... Track standing with my left leg forward as my right calf muscle is twice the size... TRAGEDY! Somehow (I don't remember anymore) the bike washed out from under me and I stacked! I tried to gracefully roll onto my backpack which softened my fall. I scratched up my left leg on the road and that was it. Stood up, looked around, guy in the car behind me had this, angry confused look on his face, he clearly didn't give a shit or notice, and the Asian guy waiting to cross the road just looked at me. Well, this is way more awkward now that no one else thinks it's funny.

I fell off my bike.

The following Wednesday I was excited to have finished another assignment, and wanted to reward myself with some chocolate while I handed it in. So I was just rolling along Balaclava road towards Epping road, inside the ample shoulder, and as it comes to a roundabout, the shoulder disappears and I have to merge onto the road. I looked back and saw a greenish car coming along but I was well in front of it so I came out, went through the roundabout and then back into the shoulder. Then the car comes up along side me and starts merging into the should. The guy gives me the finger and pulls back onto the road and speeds off.

Naturally I gave as good as I got by letting him know that he is a wanker. I caught up to him at the lights on Epping road. He was some fat neck beard mother fucker. I asked him what his problem was and he gave me the "Hurr derr cyclists shouldn't be on the road." So I went in front of him and begun my track stand.

Come at me bro

The light went green and I stayed put looked over my shoulder and watched him come forward and ram me. I jumped off my bike and the rear wheel buckled. He then went into reverse and tried to drive around my bike but I stood in front of his car. He kept coming forward but I stood my ground and took a photo of his number plate.

The light turned red and he had no where to go. The lady in the car behind got out and gave me her details and his number plate also - such a nice lady. Old mate neck beard in the car however was just being a prick. So I called 000 and got the police to come out as he wouldn't give me his details. In hindsight, I should have let him drive away so I would have some recourse with the police. I finally get him to show me his drivers licence and then he drove off as the police arrived.

Nice moustache Constable Jones

True to form the police didn't want to do much as there wasn't much damage and I wasn't injured. Which I guess is only procedure and there's not much I can do about that. Hopefully I can pound the repairing of my rear wheel out of this guy and that's the end of that chapter.

The following week I was neck deep in an environmental report I had to complete for one of my classes (the Broken Hill field trip class). I honestly spent 16 - 20 hours on it and it felt finished. I tried to tick every box and make sure everything was perfect. I had to complete a CV for it as well, which I almost forgot about and had to rush to get it done. I was constantly up late at night, I didn't ride, work, or attend many of my gym and uni classes.

Life is hard sometimes

And just when you thought you were over that hump...

Something completely out of the blue makes it harder

So my assignment is due in the Science Centre before 11am as that's when class starts. I don't have a printer so what I do is just use the printers in the Science Centre (that are for printing assignment cover sheets only) as I usually only have to print off a couple of pages.

I was behind on the CV and worked as much as I could and didn't leave home until 1050, which is normal, as it only takes 10 minutes to get to uni, but I wasn't thinking straight and didn't factor in the fact that I had to print off 45 pages.

I rode like a madman to uni, parked my bike and trotted off to the Science Centre hoping like fuck I was going to be able to print 45 pages without anyone noticing.

As I was entering the building, my lecturer was coming out going the other way. I made eye contact with him but he didn't say anything to me. I nodded but he just kind of ignored me, dick.

I immediately assumed that he had already picked up the assignment box and I was now officially late. But I hoped that because he had seen me, he would know that I was only a few minutes late and it wouldn't be an issue. A few minutes late...

This is a graphical pun

I get to one of the two computers, stick my USB in and start opening files. Because the report was 3000 words and formatted, I had to separate all the appendices (all fucking five of them) into separate files. I opened the first three or four and start hitting print.

Someone from my class comes in and has to wait for a computer to free up. I tell him that the lecturer has already removed the box, but he informs me (because he actually goes to class each week) that he will be collecting them in class.

I get to print about 20 of my 45 pages before the lady who polices the Science Centre tells me that if I continue to print my assignment it will be confiscated. I tell her how deeply sorry I am and collect up my assignment and run to the library.

Never having had to print anything (like a normal student) in the library I had no idea how to use the printers or even where the fuck they were.

Macquarie University Library

So I wait in line for a printer. Waiting... Waiting...

It's finally my turn to use it! I swipe my card and it doesn't work. I swipe again. Nothing. Swipe again. Nothing. I admit defeat and decide the best thing to do is walk to the IT Help Centre and ask them.

Walk there.

The IT Help Centre.

I tell them my card won't swipe and I assume it's broken. They confirm it's broken, and it takes about 10 minutes to get me a new one.

I walk back to the library. At least this time I know how to get to the printers...

I stand in line again.

The guy in front of me can't get anything to print, but the guy in front of him did. I hope for the best. I swipe my card and it works. I open all the files and hit print. Nothing. Hit print again. Nothing. The guy behind me just stares at me waiting for me to move on. Well, fuck.

I go to the library help desk and he comes with me back to the printer and it's clearly working when we get there and he questions my life skills. I feel retarded.

Stand in line again.

Waiting

The guy in front couldn't print either. But when I swiped and hit print, it worked. I printed off the remaining 20 odd pages and thank fuck I had enough money on my card!

But wait! I wasn't out of the woods yet. Little do you know,  I haven't provided any sort of time line yet. So let me surprise you with this plot point like some kind of M. Night Shyamalan moment. At this stage I was about 45 minutes late. Yep, 45 minutes.

The class waiting for me

So I walk to the class but I decided to stop off at the IT Help Centre, because they were really friendly, and ask to use the stapler. First time unlucky as it was out of staples... There is the high possibility of me dying at some stage today *BE CAREFUL* To rub salt into that wound the staple only held onto that last page through miracle and not bondage.

One stapler to rule them all

As I leave the IT centre, I realise that I left my USB in the printer back in the library.

So I ran back to the library, push to the front of the printer line, and due to some small miracle it's still there, plugged into the port behind the screen. I'll take anything just to get ahead after this.

I jog to class and I check the time as I open the door: 11:50am. Only 50 minutes late. And as I step in with everyone looking at me, I hear the lecturer say: "And that should be everything."

I was so extraordinarily late that I had missed the entire exam lecture and comically walked in as it ended. What is this sorcery?

My day doesn't even end there.

As I rode home from the most wonderful and amazing yoga and pilates classes ever, old mate that rammed me while on my bike last week, tried to take me out on Balacava road again! Luckily he passed me as I was rolling through the lights just before turning left into a side street.

If this day is anything, or if it teaches me anything, it's:

1. I only suffer first world problems.
2. Hardship makes the good things even better.
3. The Game.


References:

Sydney Bike Polo
Alpha as fuck
Waiting for OP
First World Problems
The Game