Water Sports and Lord of the Spastic Society of Hobbits

This has too much hatred for me, but I'm going to
keep reading

I took a fishing holiday to the NSW far north coast, so I'll write about that. I hate old people, so I'll write about that. I watched Lord of the Rings and hated it, so I'll write about that. Come and share the hatred!


While I was excited to go on a fishing holiday to my grandparents place at Evens Head, I wasn't excited to land in pouring rain, not the landing part, just the fact that it was raining. The rain means rough seas and muddy water.

Nah, no fishing today

We ended up fishing off the bank every day which was still better than touching myself every day, which I do anyway, so I guess it's another double win?

Double win, even better the second time.

We caught heaps of fish, mostly Bream with one Luderick and I caught two eels. Fuck eels, they ruin your gear and they suck at everything, like a vacuum or a prostitute.

There's no finish line, just a kitchen

Speaking of things that suck, while I love my grandparents, it didn't take long for them to get under my skin. I haven't seen them for almost a year, and the last time it was only for a few hours at lunch. And the time before that was only for a few hours. The last time I spent any long period with them was when I was 18 or so on a road trip with my two mates.

The great road trip of 2003

After about three days I started to dislike being told what to do all the time by my grandparents. I know they have the best of intentions, but I'm 27, not 12. I read somewhere that while growing up you only ever consider your family to be as they are. Which is true. But when you become older you start to view them objectively - especially if you stop seeing them as regularly as you once did. Which is also true, in my case especially.

I found myself being judged and harassed, constantly. My earrings, my hair, my clothes, my sanitary practices, my choice of food, my sleeping habits, my ability to use and understand technology. It wasn't as if everything I was doing was wrong, it was just that it was different to them, and what they could comprehend.

Most upsettingly I found that they were really close minded and anything they didn't like (outside of myself) was just plain wrong. They never gave anything a moment of thought or weighed up whether or not, from another point of view, something might be of value or acceptable.

The girl mentioned in this history lesson and I went to see Avatar for a second time in the cinemas without the 3D to get a better idea of the movie (I'm a movie buff, yo). The cinema was empty except for us and four Asian teenagers two rows in front of us. When the Sigorney Weaver character dies, and the Navi wave their arms around, the Aisans started doing it too. My girlfriend laughed at them and belittled them. Fair enough it looked funny, but really, it was clearly something they loved and enjoyed and found happiness in. But most importantly, it didn't affect us. But she took so much joy in teasing them she yelled at them to stop. I may have little tolerance sometimes, and when I do, it has a definite, plausible reason.

I was driving my grandparents into town on a long straight road. A car approached the main road from the left on a side street. He looked at me, driving at 50km/hr and pulled onto the main road heading in the same direction. I didn't have to slow down at all, he had the time and space to make his move and he did with precision. My grandpa however tisked and took exception to what the guy had done. I asked why and he said he had to give way to us. I said yeah, but he didn't have to, he's in front of us and I didn't even have to brake at all. What did he do wrong? He didn't give way. But, sigh, he didn't have to. He should have because he has to give way. But he didn't impede us. It doesn't matter, he has to give way.

I take from his point of view, being 65 or 70 years old, that his sensory inputs and mental calculations are slower, so I can give him the benefit of the doubt IF HE WERE IN THE OTHER CAR. But not forcing his own perceptions on other people. It's the same as a celiac telling everyone else that they shouldn't eat bread because they can't.

I can't even say for sure that they've always had these habits or if they were cultivated over the last few years. I think the later though, mostly because I want to give them the benefit of the doubt.

I want to point out that no one is perfect either. So now that I'm about 800km away, I'm happy to say I forgive them. The "no one is perfect" line is a lie, Laura Geitz is perfect.

Nah, she's probably a bitch in real life

And this includes me. I am extremely intolerant of the C bunch. Just thinking about it makes me fucking rage in fact. But I am open to the idea that they can ride their bikes in whatever crazy manner they want, as long as it's not anywhere fucking near me.

Do I have to buy a club kit?

Anyway, I'm totally off the point of this blog.

I went snorkelling on Sunday with Liz at Shelly Beach near Manly. I've never been snorkelling before, and I'm not a very good swimmer. But you know, it's really cool. Swimming is hard work too. The water was cold but after a few minutes I was warm due to my 'inefficient frog method' of swimming. I couldn't tread water for more than a few seconds and I swallowed about a litre of sea water, which if facts are anything to go by, is full of dead animal bits and poo.

It's now a preferred past time. It sits higher than squash, but lower than yelling at people for being stupid.

Then, because I don't know, I've got NOTHING to do, I downloaded the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy. I'm not one for going half out on something, so I got the extended cuts and tried to watch all of them in one day. BIG MISTAKE.

The first movie runs for 3 hours and 21 minutes. Here's my run down of what happens:

Someone made rings to make people powerful, but it was a trap because NOTHING is EVER how it seems in this place. Middle Earth? More like Deceptive Earth. Everything is something you don't expect. Birds and trees and water can kill you. And it seems tha hobbits are the stupidest things that ever lived. How have they managed to live so long? They keep screwing up and causing hassles for everyone else to fix. Throws a rock in the water, no worries, well just fight Cthulhu, FUCK. Bump a skull, no worries, you just woke up an Orc Army that killed a whole bunch of Dwarfs, but lucky for us they're shit at fighting or something now, cause we're only a bunch of dudes, but we can fight them off. But then some flame dragon bullshit appears and kills the only guy who knows what the fuck is happening, Gandolf.

+10 internets for getting the reference

Now this is a guy who can fly anywhere the fuck he wants on a giant eagle, much like the Avatar people, but more shit, and doesn't deliver the ring himself. Instead he gives it to the most incompetent people (hobbits) that ever existed.

Saruman has a crystal ball that sees everything but has to send crows to scout. I don't get it.

Within the first two days of the mission, Frodo is stabbed twice. Get with the program, shit son.

The Uruk Hai are supposed to be the Special Forces of Orcs, but for whatever reason, are completely incompetent at killing anything.

The Uruk Hai went to the same school of Never Killing Anything as
the Stormtroopers did

They do manage to kill Boromir. But everyone knew that was going to happen, including this guy:

Because he was the only one who spoke out against the mission, and it was ALL THE TIME, therefore cementing himself as the 'good guy' that we don't like. Because in movie land, characters are always two dimensionally good or bad. You can't have a good guy that has conflicting emotions because that just confuses the audience - although it does happen (Gosling in Drive, De Niro in Heat, Ozymandias in Watchmen, etc).

But after all this, and only by escaping by the skin of their teeth each fucking time, Frodo thinks it's best to go on his own. Yet, after each trial he faced, HE ONLY SURVIVED BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE SAVED HIM. How the fuck does he expect to get any further on his own? Thanks for being a selfish, stubborn dick, Frodo. Risking the ENTIRE Middle Earth because of his hurt ego.

I caused a shitstorm on facebook because of all the fanboys that jumped in to save their favourite books/movies. Don't defend it, these are my criticisms, they are valid. No matter how much you tell me to read the books, I WONT. I'm not going to read the book to make the movie make more sense. If it were important, it would have made it into the movie. If the movie can't stand on it's own, then IT'S SHIT.

I'll criticise parts two and three later, I'm going snorkelling again!

My face when all the butt hurt fanboys are upset: